Brendan McDonough was driving home in his white Ram truck one Sunday afternoon when he spotted the first sign of trouble— a plume of smoke rising into the pale blue sky above the golden yellow foliage dotting the Arizona mountain range.

He was listening to the radio at the time, but the smoke turned his thoughts to other sounds: the 3,000-degree inferno that roared like a freight train as it bore down on a group of trapped firefighters; the anguished cries of his friends calling for help on a radio; and the crinkling of orange body bags as the remains of men he called his brothers were carried away.

It was the worst day of his life: June 30, 2013. That’s when a wildfire overran an elite group of firefighters known as the Granite Mountain Hotshots in Yarnell, Arizona, killing 19 of them. McDonough was part of that group, but survived because he was standing lookout some distance away. The blaze marked the greatest loss of firefighters in a single day since the 9/11 attacks, and a new identity for McDonough: the lone survivor.

He tried to live up to his new hero status. He gave motivational speeches and wrote a book that was made into a Hollywood movie. Strangers picked up his dinner tab wherever he went. Some approached his table while he was eating out with his family and started bawling after thanking him for his service while he sat there awkwardly, watching his Chicken McNuggets grow cold.

When people asked how he was doing, he stuck to the hero script: “Lucky to be alive. Blessed to be here. One day at a time.” But what he didn’t tell them is that he often had to drink just to take the stage for his speeches. He didn’t tell them he was turning into an emotional zombie at home and growing detached from his family.